how does this sound....

[darko06]

Its just an idea I started writing. In fact, its the first screenplay ive ever written.

here goes:Its set in the Hilton Hotel...in New York. RONALD is the main character.He is staying in the hotel, because he has split up with his wife.

During the night, he hears arguing and fighting from the room next door. He isnt sure whether to do anything or not.

The next morning, while eating breakfast, the man and woman who were fighting enter the breakfast room. RONALD obviously suspects that it is them, as the woman is quite badly bruise in the face.

Again, he does not do anything.

But, that night , the fighting starts again. He decides to do something.

The next morning he meets the woman .He tells her that he wants to do something, but she refuses. He suggests that he calls the police ,but she refuses.

They agree that during the night, RONALD will go into the room and beat up the guy, teach him a lesson.

But things go wrong.He ends up killing the man.

The story continues with RONALD and the woman trying to hide the secret.

Im not exactly sure how it should end, and i know its sketchy, but I would be thankful if you could give me some ideas and,of course,criticisms.

How should the damn thing end?

[Tard]

For a "pre-treatment" non-scripted pitch, I won't diss you like others here might. BUT; It sounds like the first third of a LOTTA 'Natural Born Killers' copycat films, AND even some TV-episodes of NYPD BLUE, CSI, Special Victims Unit, etc.

It's only personal taste for me, so shouldn't be taken personally. Not a big fan of many "criminal/cop-shows". Please try fleshing-out the story further than that (an ending would be nice too). So far the characters are just names, without sounding or feeling like 'real' people. But for a pre-treatment pitch, I won't complain.

[darko06]

Thanks for your advice.It feels great to get even a minor amout of psitive feedback.

I agree that its way to sketchy.But i've started writing it, and things have gotten more relistic, and detailed.

I,m like you: i dont care for any of these cop/criminal shows like NYPD blue.And i wouldnt want the story to have that kind of feel.Now that I look over my post I relize that it was like that.

I would want the film to be more mysterious and different. Both the main character and the women are similar. They are to scared to stand up for themselves.

That is basically the main idea recurring through the film.

Again thanks for your advice.

If you want, I can email you the first fifteen pages or so...see what you think.

But be warned....this is my first script.

[Tard]

LOL! All my scripts have been complete failures (Though SCREW Magazine rated me rather high once to script a really freaky porn movie after they reviewed my magazine).

Furthest I ever got was a "playtime" script that I wasn't going to send anywhere. Just something to fuck-around with, about 40 pages. Again, a porn script, but advancing "reality-TV" to another level. Some hundred-someodd years in the future, slackers have gotten worse. The latest Reality-Show is a contest held in a deserted/abandoned location where a buncha women are dropped-off, and must fight for survival. Called "WARGASM", the location is populated with reprogrammed battle-bot machines to rape/disqualify the other contestants.

I liked that fuckin script, but there would have been a damn-wad of costumes & makeup calls..... Too expensive of a project for a video-porn company. But ZANE Entertainment was interested.... [img]smile.gif[/img]

Don't worry Mark. If you're serious about what you're doing, and study up, you could go somewhere. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[nate_dog]

I like the idea of the script!

My suggestion is that instead of the story going towards the direction of the man and woman covering up a murder, I think you should keep the mystery up of what is going on in the room next door.

Maybe instead of the main guy confronting the woman, he should try to get to know her first and see if his suspictions are correct.

Make the guy second guess himself while his curiosity is rising, until. . . he knows more than he wanted to!

Or, He never finds out!

Or, He's Killed!

Or,. . . (you get the idea)

[darko06]

nate dog...youre a genius.

I never though of keeping the room next door more of the mystery. It could make the film more interesting.

I think that he will confront the woman when the man is not there. He will basically get in on the action. Then, the covering up of the murder could cause great suspense.

That just goes to show you how damn useful these forums can be.

Thanks for all the advice!

[Kev Owens]

How should the damn thing end?

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">oh dear.

[windowslaws]

endings rulez!

[thelaughingduck2001]

Change it a bit and you could be on to a winner.

Here's what I would do.

The 'Man' is actually sado-masochistic. He spanks the woman, he is only marrying him for his money. Ronald however, young adn ieve (think Hoffman in The Graduate) decides to help her break free.

However, the old man falls and hits his head, and together, in a quirky romance/comedy way, the two go on the run, leading to a comedy of errors.

But that's just what I would do.

[darko06]

Interesting. I like the idea.